By Sheena

Body Dysmorphia as someone with PCOS

If you think your Gynecologist is rude and dismissive, then you should have met mine. I bet that you will start feeling good about the one you consult with. 

I still remember those days when I was diagnosed with PCOS as a teenager. It was one of the worst phases of my life – body weight issues, insomnia, facial hair, body shaming at school and appointments with the rudest Gynaecologist. 

My body wouldn’t stop gaining kilos and I was slowly losing any positive connection I used to have with my body. A feeling of disgust for the way I looked took such a deep root that I started avoiding mirrors altogether.

Then, in one of the visits to my Gynaecologist, she was brutal as always but that time she made sure to burn me in shame with her words. I still remember her saying as it was yesterday, “Lose your weight in whatever way you want. I don’t care. But don’t come here until you do so. You are wasting your time as well as mine.” 

I remember crying hard that day. 

However, I vowed to not visit her unless I lose weight. The conditions around me made me feel everything that was going wrong will be solved if I lose weight. ‘Just lose weight’ chants in my mind took away my sleep.

Six months after that, I lost weight. Yes, and not just 5 kg or 10 kg, I had a massive 17 kg weight loss. My clothes became bags hanging on my body and I thought, “Yay! All problems solved. I should look ‘not fat’ now” Little did I know, the problem just got a makeover and was still grinning inside the host.

The problem was I still used to see myself as fat — no matter how much weight I lost. The scale said skinny. The people whispered, “Look, the fat girl turned skinny.” The bullies who used to call me “Fat” were looking for an alternate derogatory term. But all I could see was only layers and layers of fat in the mirror. 

My exercise routine was already rigorous and my eating pattern was strictly outlined for each day but the dissatisfaction with my body made me push myself even harder. It took me a while to realize that I was trapped in a self-destructive cycle. It took me even longer to realize that I might have body dysmorphia.

I couldn’t develop a healthy body image even though I lost weight. And that was the irony of it.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder or BDD is an extremely distressing condition to live with. It distorts how a person sees themselves in the mirror. Someone with this condition often cannot stop thinking about a flaw which could be minor or unnoticeable to others.

The defect or flaw that people with BDD think ruins their life and makes them ugly might not exist in reality. It can exist only in their imagination but it has the potential to cause immense distress to the sufferer.

I recognized the need to seek support at the right moment. It was a long journey where I slowly learnt to love my body the way it is. 

Here are some of the things that helped me and might help you too if you are someone who is struggling with BDD and body image issues:

Focus on Nourishing Your Body

BDD is often seen to bring along eating disorders. Most people try to control their calories when they don’t feel good about their bodies. I was doing the same: cutting down my calories to a painfully low amount.

When I recognized the harmful pattern, the first thing I changed was my perception of food. I told myself food is not my enemy. I need proper food to nourish my body. I started practicing the concept of ‘Mindful Eating’. First, I stopped consuming media during my meals. I avoid watching YouTube or anything while eating. I focus on the food and savour each bite.

Mindful eating has allowed me to listen to my hunger cues and when I am full. I take my time eating and savour every bite while paying close attention to what my body is telling me.

Block Toxic People from Your Life

Most of the time, when someone comments badly on our physique or anything related to our bodies, we try to let it pass. I have grown up being the butt of the joke because of my weight. I have been conditioned to let the jokes and insults pass by, no matter how insecure they made me feel. 

After my weight loss, I thought that the jokes on my body would stop but it didn’t. The same people who used to joke about my size found some other flaw in my body to laugh about. If I wasn’t the ‘fat girl’ in the room, I was their ‘shorty, buy clothes from kids section’ girl.

This made me realize that the problem was not with my body. It was the people I was hanging out with. It also made me see how important it is to surround yourself with people who promote body positivity and encourage me to celebrate my physical self. 

Finding an Outlet to Express Yourself

You must express yourself when you are dealing with body image issues or BDD. Expressing your emotions will allow you to acknowledge, process and navigate your feelings in a healthy and constructive manner. 

You can use any form of art to express your feeling. You can express yourself via fashion. For example, you can buy and wear clothes that flatter your body and make you feel confident.

I used poetry as a medium to express myself and it helped me challenge a lot of my negative emotions.

Find the Right Healthcare Professional

Dealing with mental disorders like BDD is tricky. You not only need a qualified healthcare provider but also someone who listens to your concerns. In fact, this is true for any disease or disorder. However, finding the right one isn’t that easy.

I remember when I told my doctor that I might be having an anxiety disorder. They told me what I am having anxiety for. I am not married. I don’t have kids. So, their statement was I am unqualified for having anxiety. 

It adds more distress while dealing with a condition when your healthcare provider dismisses your concerns. That’s why I made it a point to seek help from a professional who listens to my side of the story too before giving their own take. 

Each person is unique and different strategies work for different people. You need to find what actually works for you… what will bring you closer to your body and incorporate that into your life. 

One thing I learnt is that nothing is an instant fix. You need to address the problem directly and take one step at a time. Of course, it's scary at first. Everything will seem out of control in the beginning but gradually you will find your footing.

Breaking Free

I believe I have come far on the road to recovery. And I say so because I don’t wake up and hop on the weighing scale; even if I do, the number on the scale doesn’t upset me. I am still not a fan of getting my pictures taken. However, when I check some of them later, I see a confident and beautiful person staring back at me.

I love my body the way it is and I don’t listen to anyone who says otherwise.

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Tags: #mindfuleating #bodydysmorphia #PCOS #gynaecologyproblems #socialanxiety #dysmorphicdisorder #BDD #lowselfesteem #understandingbodydysmorphia #overcomingbodydysmorphia #impactonmentalhealth #fearofsocialinteraction